The future is bleak.

Being deep because...well, inspiration strikes randomly; which I find to be a very exciting and frustrating at the same thing.

I've been working a pretty good amount lately. 35 (give or take) hours a week, add another 5 or so that I 'donate' and possibly another hour for the time on my day off I spend going over there for whatever the reason that might be. So, I'm full time and working my ass off the same or more hours that your average American adult puts in. ...While earning less than 1/4 of what 'they' make. No, I'm not about to bitch about wages because although I'm exhausted mentally and physically after a 6-10 hour shift I don't do the same kind of work my mother does every Monday through Thursday. The pay scale has, generally speaking, been predetermined in America for every type of job.

Mmkay, now for something that has everything and nothing to do with work. My time off. On a good week I'll get two days of rest, which aren't normally together, but rather split by a single useless low-paying day. Obviously I find that a little annoying, and I hate the fact that some aspect of Steak n Shake is ALWAYS on my mind. So where is the freedom? What am I earning $13 or so an hour for? I spend money left and right, on pizza, Netflix movie subscriptions, stuff for Elijah (my car), my Xbox, new TVs, my animals, ect. I virtually save nothing, and when I do my life falls apart and every damn thing goes wrong so I spend it on multiple little emergencies of mine. Where the hell is my future?

I'm not going to stick with Steak n Shake for five more years and be a manager or some shit. I'm definitely not going off to some serious college, and if I do some small certification stuff and spend a couple thousand on that will it even move me forward at all toward a future career? Right now I'm too fucking scared to send a check to any kind type of school because from where I'm at now I can't predict the future in the slightest. I can't picture myself doing anything, at all. Maybe its because I just don't know about the photography career field enough to know what type of job I'll end up getting; or because I can't see myself being a full time photographer at all. Whatever the situation is I'm scared. Scared I'll get stuck making an insufficient amount of money to ever initiate some kind of lift off, or that I'll do some bum job that I'll hate. How am I supposed to know? This freedom has become a frightening thing. EVERYTHING is up to me, EVERYTHING is dependent on what I choose. I just hope that I throw myself out on a limb sometime soon and invest some money into my future, so by the time I'm 20 I'll have some idea of what I'll be doing now that I'm all grown up and maybe I'll be closer to finding a place to live and pay my car off. I don't know, but just maybe something exciting will happen soon and I'll know what to do and where to go.

Christmas = time, not money. <3

So, recently I've been in knee deep trying to find a new job, after all I will need more cash during the holidays. My income was about half of what it normally was this last month (on top of a several hundred dollars with of unexpected expenditures) so needless to say I'm in a rut. There was one job in particular that I got an interview for and was very excited about. It was only a $9/hour job, but due to its downtown location (many pros and cons on that one) and the type of business I was desperate for the new experience.

I broke it down tonight though. Right now I make $2.13/hour for a job as a waitress. Guaranteed at least minimum wage of course, which is $6.55/hour. I'd say on the average decent day I'd make anywhere from $8-12/hour though. Its tricky to figure and isn't stable though, as this last month has proved. If I take this new job, which is double the distance and takes triple the amount of time to get to I may end up making less considering the commute. Not to mention a very important factor I hadn't been considering, time off. I normally work about 25 hours a week now, and I've already put in certain dates that I'd like off for the holidays (I'm quick so its practically guaranteed). If I change jobs now, even if it payed more and were closer, I might loose Christmas Eve as well as a slew of other dates and countless hours off that I could be spending with friends and family.

I don't think the change is worth it. Not now at least. I think I'll wait until January and cross my fingers for a decent job opening around here. Until then though, I'm aware that we have coupons out at work now too, which although it normally means lower tips overall it does bring a ton more folks in and business will pick back up too (shopping season always helps anyways).

For now it'll be the same old 5 hour work day coming home smelling like grease and hamburgers. Mmm. Lots of cheap lovely papercraft gifts for everyone too. Most importantly a good balance between work and the few other people that are part of my life. Awww. Look who's suddenly developed a heart in time for the holidays. Nobody has the right to call me completely selfish anymore.

What better to do in the middle of the night?

For the last few months I've had a problem. I stay up late, normally 'till 3 am but I've been getting better and occasionally sometimes I'm out by 2. More likely than not it has to do with the solitude the night brings. Everyone else (at least in my house) is asleep by then and since my dad and step-mom sleep at the opposite end of the apartment I can listen to music or watch tv without waking anyone up. Or I can just sit and chill without interruption or some kind of Q&A session that always happens when there is some kind of electronic failure. Evidentially I'm an absolute G(enius) in fixing everything from surround sound systems to microwave clocks. I'm amazed at how much I can get done in the middle of the night though. Gee look at that, I finally made this blog here after sitting around (and going to work) and thinking about it all day.

So that's all folks. This very first and hopefully soon to be forgotten post is brought to you in part by BAWLS energy drinks and my guilty pleasure, "insomnia".